....A news flash, and apparently unofficial, just released by the Disassociated Press reports:
( NFL Commissioner, Roger Godel, was unavailable -GPS tracking indicates he is currently organizing an Easter egg hunt at/around an undisclosed stadium in an undisclosed city in southern Massachusetts.)
In his absence, Assistant Vice Deputy Commissioner Looflirpa (an immigrant from the Baltic States, where footballs are round) issued the following statement:
I. Consideration was given to awarding the Colts a forfeit victory and also awarding the Colts the Super Bowl Championship by proxy.
A. That consideration was dismissed after regarding the lopsided 2nd half of said game of interest when the Patriots were playing with real balls.
B. The Seahawks would be unavailable as Coach Carroll is currently on assignment to the Pope. In the history of Christianity, the coach has been the only human who caused 100,000,000 Christians to rise in unisen and yell the name of Our Savior.
II. Robert Kraft, the Patriot's owner, is fined $500,000. In lieu of US legal tender, he may offer:
A. $5 gift certificate to first 100,000 Patriot fans to enter Gillette Stadium for regular season 2015-16.
B. To prove one is a said fan, one must sport a Patriot's clothing item or tattoo (irremovable).
C. The gift certificate would be redeemable at major store chains in New England, Indiana and Washington state.
D. The gift certificate would become void 90 days after Patriot's victory in Superbowl L.
III. Coach Belecheak will be sanctioned as such :
A. Must attend first 3 press conferences with an air pump.
B. Must wear an Air-Jordan hoodie to first 3 home games with PSI gage behind each ear.
C. Must wear a donkey (some call it a jackass) mask to first 3 road games.
IV. Tom Brady will be sanctioned as such :
A. Must throw first 5 forward passes in first 3 games left-handed. Note : Spiking the ball left-handed will not be countable.
B. In lieu of "Brady 12" jersey he must wear "PSI 6" jersey for first 6 games of season.
C. After completion of sanction, said jerseys may be sold on EBay with the profits payable to :
NFL Charities.
V. Minor players :
A. Tank, the 71 yr. old GBS (Game Ball Sentry) will be offered early retirement for taking the balls unchaperoned into the Port-a-Potty.
B. Vinnie,the unemployed Fenway Frank Vendor will have his vendor's credentials suspended until the Red Sox enter post season for meeting Tank in the Port-a Potty with instruments of deflation.
.......And now you know the rest of the story
......
PS : You may want to check your calender before you tell your friends
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